|
| but my keys are loud as I type. It's not my fault I promise! Sitting here with my friend Samar, one of my dearest friends who happens to believe everything I don't believe. It's so hard on us both, both wanting the other to experience "the Truth". It's so hard to love this way.
I move to Michigan two weeks from today. so many things I am truly excited about and so many things I'm going to miss terribly including Samar. If y'all knew her you would just understand.
SMU's library is pretty great, so is the whole campus, I pretend I go here but the cold hard truth is I live in the hood and my school has a sorry excuse of a campus. In fact I don't know if you can legally call it a campus. It's just a couple buildings and some moldy rooms we call dorms. But when you're supposed to be there it's home and it's not as much complaining as it is joking about what you love even though it's all worn out and expired. When something is good it's good. And it's also good when it's over. I'm ready.
bring on the change. a characteristic of my life I have a hard time living without. change. fresh air and a chunk of watermelon to me on a sunny day, that's what change is like. I thrive off it. And then I cry. Because nothing is as it should be. You can't have change without missing the old and you can't keep the old because you miss out on the new. You can't have both. You have to miss something and someone and someplace even if it's a place in your heart, a place where dreams were still possible. But things change. Things are always changing. How can I love something so much and hate it at the same time? Either way I'm ready. it has to come so I might as well be. And I do want it to come, I just don't want the other to go. I'm tired now. Too much excitement and sadness at the same time. It will be good when it's just one again, sadness. But the "ok" kind, not the constant kind. The missing kind. Not the longing kind, the "recognizing something was good" kind. | | |
| It has been such a very long time.
I really have nothing to write
other than the fact that I'm here.
Wherever here is.
Dallas.
Not really wishing I was anywhere in particular.
I do like it here.
But I miss you.
I miss you Joelle.
I miss you China.
I miss my best friend, or having you as my best friend, both really.
I miss you Anita.
I miss you Colombus.
I miss you Michigan Fall and colorful leaves.
I miss you Teen Mania.
I miss you Mars Hill.
I miss you Family.
I miss you Faith.
I miss You Jesus and I miss how I used to love You.
I miss you Jubilee.
Where are you?
I'm coming, I'm coming.
| | |
| Today. An entire day off.
Mom woke me up saying it was past noon and I felt a little ashamed and embarassed at my bad sleeping habits lately as I rolled over and out of bed. Walking to the kitchen, the clock is always the first to greet me, lounging on the wall in all it's glory and biggness. This morning it laughed at me as I realized it was not past noon at all but a bright cheerful 10:30. Good. It's not 8 or even 9, but not as bad as noon so everything is ok, still a full day to live. Ha Mom, that was funny.
Homemade egg mc-muffin all sloppy and gooey. and an apple.
Came downstairs to buy my ticket home, (Dallas) flying from Chicago again, beautiful. Three more weeks to enjoy Michigan.
Went out for lunch with Mom and my Grandmother to Signatures. Yummy. I love my Grandmother, I love when we go out. We talked about health and about the weather on Memorial day, what it will be like out at her cottage on the lake and who is coming and what we'll all eat. Then we discussed the 4th, also her Birthday and made plans and arrangements for that.
At 3-ish we went to pick up Joelle from school, my dear and wonderful almost 16-year-old sister whom looks as fine as ever and her hair cut is not so bad either. (I chopped at it last night. She has the most amazing hair ever) Downstairs at the Tuinstra house is full of memories. I have lived here my entire life, minus a month or so. (and all the times I've gone away of course). Joelle, Mom and I attacked the book shelf of centuries of books, mostly children's books, deciding which ones were mine and which ones were given to my Dad by Great Aunt Doris and which ones she gave to each of us kids. We bickered jokingly fighting over them and explaining why the world is so unfair because really, that one should be mine and who colored in this one and silly things like that. I moved a few of my special ones to my shelf upstairs and started coloring a picture that has been interupted numerous times and still awaits my finishing touches upstairs on the kitchen table.
We all ate the bean dip we prepared this morning with loads of toppings as Bambi played in the next room giving plenty to laugh about all through our time. It's a wonderful movie and if you haven't enjoyed it in awhile it's time to watch it again.
I made "Arnie's Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookies" (my Grampa Korhorn's recipe) with my mother's old apron over my waist. Colored a little more and then went out to weed my mother's flour bed of the remains of tulips I never saw but wearing the most lovely pair of gardening gloves purchased this morning for my weeding pleasure. Really just an incentive to get the job done and we did it. Goody.
It really has been a beautiful day. Sometimes I just love my life, lately this has been happening more and more often. Life as in the little things though. Enjoying these silly little moments in between all the other ridiculous and annoying stuff. The moments that make it all worth it. The moments you just enjoy the people you're with and appreciate health and the ability to laugh and the enjoyment of food. In between all that other stuff doing the things you love most and even the things that you won't enjoy but someone else will. I think our hopes are that life will become more and more those moments and less and less of the other stuff. I also think that when life becomes so full of the other stuff, the requirements, so many people forget how to do the things they love and the people they once cared for and the silly moments that make it all worth it until it all becomes blurred into one and instead of moments and special things it all becomes habit and requirement and tasks to see to, relationships to "maintain", a house to keep up, weeds to be pulled...and then it all overwhelms them til all they can do is turn on the tv ans find something to satisfy a momentary craving, maybe never even enjoying the beauty of hunger. Or thirst. Or friendship or touch. Never walking to the park to swing or play on the teater-totter for way too long with someone really dear to you.
I guess all this goosh to say...enjoy it people. Or even more than that to say, "never stop enjoying it Jubilee", never. | | |
| In my dreams I jumped over buildings
I hugged the beast and made him happy saving many lives
I escaped the hands of my wicked enemy and turned the hearts of many to the good side.
Job well done, now I'm awake.
In Michigan for awhile.
Glad.
A bit hungry so this shouldn't get too involved.
I've been quite absent from all computer activity (and you've all made me feel missed, thanks)
I don't know that I'm back, just for a heartbeat every few weeks maybe. Or at least for this next month that I'm home.
It's a beautiful day. I'm going to go live it. I'll be back soon, hopefully. | | |
| Dang. I hate not being able to get alone for some peace and quiet. Headphones need to be my new best friend. I've got some Upton in the backround but it doesn't drown everyone out quite the way I'd like it to. But besides that, I'm really ok. For today. And I don't have to worry about whether or not I'll be ok tomorrow. It will take care of itself or something.
So I totally got a job yesterday at The Women's Museum downtown. I'm super excited which is refreshing because it's been hard to be excited about anything, but that's old news. God is working on me. Halehluiah.
I am almost finished with my second week at school after a four year absense. Yes, Christ for the Nations, that's my school. And my roomates...I absolutely love them. Breathe of fresh air, cheerful hearts that are good like a medicine. And I need it. I'm seeing how bad I really need medicine these days. Sometimes when I'm sick I stop all normal life and just try to do something that will distract me from the reality of my discomfort. I think I've done this with my spiritual sickness to. Just try to distract myself and hope I just get better and all that bad stuff will just become good again. Well it turns out it doesn't work that way. Bummer. So I'm forced to face it and I'm trying to get better. You know that feeling when you just feel like crap and your nose is running and your head is all stuffy and you're sneezing every 30 seconds and you think, I just can't live like this anymore. So you decide to take a rest, have some tea, eat an orange and some homemade chicken noodle soup and then instantly, you smile knowing you helped your body out and it will soon be well again. You wonder what it will be like to breathe through your nose once again and the thought of it makes you smile and you really start to believe you will be ok.
Yeah, that's kind of how I feel on the inside. Like the soup is being made for me right now and very soon I will be able to enjoy it. And then I will enjoy the process (even though still sick and it totally sucks and hurts) of starting to feel improved until finally, I will actually enjoy health. I'm excited about that.
| | |
|
